Confessionals...

Yeah. 

I've been hiding some stuff, at least publically (or socially, like in Facebook...) for the past five or so months.

I haven't dated anyone since my breakup with my ex, back at the beginning of July.  I can't really complain about the breakup, as, well - it was an unintended consequence - and nobody was "at fault", not intentionally, anyway.

As far as social networking goes, like on Facebook? - well, I've been living a façade.  I've had a "fake" girlfriend for the last 3 or 4 months.  I mean, DAMN!!!  That breakup?  SUPER_DUPER_DUPER(!!!) hard on my psyche, my physical self, my self-esteem - everything. 

I know that my ex girlfriend had/has been keeping up with my travels, at least on Facebook.  Why?  I don't know.  I mean, she broke up with me, so - why in the world would she keep up with me?

Take last month, for instance:  I was outside on my front porch and smoking a joint, it was about 3 in the afternoon, when along comes this silver, hatchback Honda civic - just like the one that she drives.  You don't see many silver, older model Honda civics with a hatchback, at least I haven't seen one since I was dating her, or after our breakup.  Anyway, I'm pretty sure it was her.  I just stood there, holding that joint in my hands, and simply watched "her" (if it WAS her...) just drive on by. 

And it's not like I'm "in the neighborhood" or anything like that.  My house is in the exact opposite direction from her commute, or travels home - like when she's leaving school, or something like that.  I'm pretty sure that she was either 1) going to class, or 2) out of class, on her way home.  No way it could have been anybody else.

Also - it's not like I've been stalking her, either.  I haven't allowed myself to drive by her house, especially when I happen to be in the neighborhood (like I am when I'm going to my buddy, Stevo's house) - I just won't and haven't allowed myself to do it. 

Don't get me wrong - I've been tempted, tempted to drive by her house, see who might be spending the night, all of that jazz, but - I've been strong.  At least, in _that_ particular regard...  I've been really strong.  I've _somewhat_ avoided looking at her Facebook page, as after our breakup, I blocked her from my page.  She just created another. 

Circumstantial?  Perhaps.  But, the fact that she made a "new" Facebook, as well as seeing her car drive by my house (can't forge - POSSIBLY her car...), as _well_ as seeing a car, just like hers, drive by one of the places that I do open-mic, about two or three miles down the street from me, well - Monday night, as I was getting ready to go into a place called "The Cove", it was about 7:30pm, and on the way in, I thought I saw a car - again - just like hers, drive past the establishment.  It wasn't driving very fast - at all - and as it was driving away, slowly, I had my guitar case in my hand, and began walking towards the car in their direction; it made a left turn a block away from me, and off it went. 

Now, am I crazy to think that all of these circumstantial events mean something?  Maybe.  Am I crazy about this woman?  I don't know.  I know that I'm still in love with her.  Yeah Kathleen - I'm still in love with you.  I would love to go out and date someone new, and finally forget what we had together.  I mean, it wasn't that _bad_ and I know that there could be some unintended consequences (like my heartbreak) resulting from a potential breakup and all of that, but still...

Yeah.  I still love you, Kathleen.  I don't know how long I will love you, or be in love with you or anything like that.  I don't know if you're dating someone new.  I don't know if you've met someone else, or what.  I'm sure you have.  You're a beautiful woman, and I'm just sorry that I couldn't provide everything that you needed, in a man. 

From what I gathered from our relationship, you want a man that 1) has graduated from college, 2) is established in a gainful profession, 3) has a house & car of his own, 4) make at the _least_ $60,000 a year, and 5) doesn't have a debilitating disease like myself, with my having multiple sclerosis and all of that, and 6) someone who can please you physically, on demand and at the drop of a hat.  I know that my MS caused some serious drawbacks in the physical aspect of our relationship.  I know that sometimes I couldn't please you.  It had been so, SO very long since I had been with anyone, for at least five or six years, until you came along.  So I had a lot of catching up to do.  As well as going back through the beginning, learning the ropes all over again. 

I wanted to hurt your feelings, after our breakup.  At first, after it ended, well - I wanted to kill myself.  You know this because I told you that's what I wanted to do, the night after you broke up with me.  Thank GOD that I did not do that!!!  Also - I wanted to "jump back on the wagon" as fast as possible, find a beautiful girl to court and pursue for a relationship, so that I could post a selfie of me and whoever's beautiful face I would happen to be dating, onto my Facebook page.  Yeah - I wanted to really, really, REALLLLYY rub it in. 

Seriously. 

But, I'm over that now.  I don't know if you'll ever read this, you may, you may not.  I don't know.  If you do a Google search of my whole name, you'll find this.  Otherwise?  I don't know. 

Before we started dating, you asked me "is us dating going to hurt the group?" when we were all playing music together, with you singing and me and Jimmy doing our thing on the guitar/mandolin/dobro/whatever... I knew the repercussions of what could happen, before I asked you out.  I knew that if there was a breakup, that well, it would mess everything up. 

And, it did.  My fault on that one.  I fall in love easily, especially when I allow myself to do so, like I did with you, and fell for you so hard because we shared soooo much in common.  But, I was a fool for thinking so, or believing that you actually loved me, when you told me that you did. 

I'm also "lucky" in the fact that I share a name with a famous professional basketball player, Andrew Bynum.  Although I'm probably about 8 years older, about a foot shorter, and make wayyyyyy less money than he does, well - it keeps a lot of the "web searches" from immediately pulling _MY_ information up.  The baller's info comes up first - always.  And?  I think I like that.  Keeps me somewhat "mysterious" (???) - if I can call it that? 

I started this blog because there are certain things I won't post on my Facebook.  On here?  I am somewhat anonymous, and can talk about whatever. 

Anyway, so - my <3 has recovered (finally!!!), I'm "over" you, Kathleen, and I know sooooo much more (at least, in the dating department) about relationships, and how _not_ to screw them up - all because of you. 

I now know - DON'T talk about the person you're dating on Facebook or social media, I mean, you can talk about them and the time you share with them, but - don't overdo it. 

I now know this.  The next woman in my life?  I won't be talking about her on Facebook - at least, not in the way I talked about you, Kathleen.  Our relationship, in fact, well it taught me _so_ very much.  So, so so so SO much!!! 

I guess that a good "dress rehearsal" like ours?  Has its benefits.  I don't know if we'll ever meet again.  I don't know if I'll ever hold you again.  I'm pretty sure that I'll never kiss you again.  Nor sleep with you.  I know that all of that? - is over.  And I'm okay with that. 

I am the type of man that, when a relationship goes south, and I wind up possibly getting my heart broken?  I withdraw from the life of that person.  I just disappear.  It's much, much much easier that way.  Much.  That way I can get on with my life. 

But - you stay beautiful, okay?  Yeah.  I still think that you're beautiful.  I hope you have a good birthday next month, on the 15th.  I hope that you're doing well in your master's courses, and I want you to know that I'm going back to school this upcoming January.  I'll be signing up for 3 classes, two of them having to do with my course-load, and one class will be a Shodokan Karate class with my old sensei, Jeff Mullins.  That will give me more than 6 hours, and I'll be able to use the fitness facilities up at school.  I don't know if we'll ever see each other up there, as I'll probably be going during a time when you won't be there.

But if I see you up there?  I'll give you a wave.  If you want one when you see me, sure - I'll give you a hug.  And then I'll be off. 

Everyone else? - Have a wonderful night/day/weekend/whatever...

-ajb