Was watching an interesting movie while at the infusion clinic, getting my last day of 3 Solumedrol steroids doses - the movie was "The Road Warrior", which is a sequel to "Mad Max" (Mel Gibson)... it wasn't the first time I had seen the film or anything, as it came out wayyyy back in 1981 (I was only maybe two or three years old at the time it came out...), but still - an interesting movie to get to watch while in a comfy reclining chair up at the clinic.
Haven't really noticed a change in my right hand... this stuff _should_ be working - only thing I have noticed differently is that I can finally feel my right ring-finger: which is a start.
These doses should start working in no time flat. Hopefully... I really, really really need my right hand back. I have a gig on Sunday night, and I need all of that hand to work properly. If it doesn't? Well, I'm going to try this gig "on my own" - regardless... I still have my voice, I can still finger pick with my right bare hand, and even though I might not be able to use a pick for this one?
Well I'm still going after this one... not that I'll get paid anything for the gig - I get a $20 credit while there, that lets me eat (or drink...) - whichever I prefer. Doesn't matter to me. I can have a few double bourbons & coke, along with a nice pizza while there or something along those lines. Like I said - doesn't matter.
I don't know about my former partner... I haven't talked to him all week long, and the last time we spoke, we exchanged some rather heated words. He's perfectly capable of dishing out plenty of criticism, but cannot take any back in - if you dish it out, you had better be able to take it back in. All's I'm saying about that one. He can also find his own way to The Cove... if he wants to go badly enough, he'll get his roommate to take him and pick him up - and with his roomie being kind of a weirdo? Who also goes to bed by 9pm? Well - I don't think that is going to happen. Besides - his the gig isn't over until 10pm, and that former pardner of mine has no car of his own, and I wind up burning MY gas to get us to these places. Just kind of fed up with all of his bullshit. Besides - he has no problem with anybody ELSE playing one of his guitars - just ME... but has NO problem with me taking him everywhere - sick of it - just complete, complete bullshit and 'nuf said about that crap.
I don't know what I'm going to play up at The Cove - but that doesn't matter... I'll cover some Zeppelin, some Garth Brooks, some Lynyrd Skynyrd, amongst other bands and musicians. I can always play "on the fly" - not a huge biggie, not to me anyway.
I just really hope that this inflamed brain of mine hurries up and recuperates - that's all I ask for. Every year around this time, I go through some stupid flareup. Whether it's not being able to feel my right leg, or bend my right knee, or use my right hand, or what_EVER - it's a yearly thing - almost like clockwork, even.
So - with all of that being said, I'm going to lie down and take a nap. I'm somewhat tired, and slept really, really really hard last night. Very hard. Still exhausted. Don't know what's on my agenda for today, but I'll figure it out. Still have the taste of this IV-Solumedrol in my mouth. It's got a rather peculiar taste to it. Always does.
Cheers from the Bluff City...
-drew
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Friday, July 18, 2014
while my guitar gently weeps...
I sooo miss playing my guitars; or my mandolin; or anything else that requires the use of my right hand...
I try, and try, and try and try - but to no avail...
Sure - I can still pluck the strings - not a problem... but actually holding onto that dadgum pick - cannot do that just yet. Can't do it.
Slept very, very hard last night. Woke up this morning with an aching left shoulder, as I had slept on that all night long, without moving, turning, tossing - or anything. Which means (which isn't the first time...) that I wake up with about the sorest shoulder and arm - in the world...
I tend to stick to one side when sleeping - usually always my left side, at that. I was exhausted. I am still recovering from the beginning of this month, where I was up for six days - straight.
One never really tends to get over a "sleep deficit". Doesn't happen. Not with me, anyway. And though I don't have to join the working world anymore, well - still - I need to catch up on my rest. It's crucial with this disease.
Stress tends to bring out the worst in MS - always always always. I just had a shirt on, just a minute ago, and began getting hot-flashes - not fun - not in the least. Had to pull that off. Hot-flashes (I believe...) are the disease, hard at work. Very hard in a very hard way...
When I first began getting sick (back in mid-to-late 2006), I was having hot-flashes at my job as a relay operator. Thought that I was going through early "male menopause" - joked around with all of the girls at my work about it. Little did I know that this was the disease, making its first appearance.
Of course I laughed the hot-flashes off... thought they were trivial; meaningless even. Little did I know that this was the disease eating away at the outer layers of my brain and spinal cord.
At the time, I was coming home from my job at 3:30pm, going straight to bed by 4pm, getting _back_ up at 6am for my shower and a quick shave - then back off to work again.
The excessive-sleeping lasted for six months... then the other symptoms began occurring. Like my vision. It was getting awfully hard to read that sign out sheet, at the end of my shift. Eventually, by June of 2007, I was having to get other people to show me the line where I was supposed to sign my name. That was getting scary - very, very scary.
By July had come around, my vision difficulties were becoming paramount. And by the 3rd? I was almost completely blind. Went to my ophthalmologist, Dr. Furr, to which he said it might or might not be multiple sclerosis, and referred me to a neurologist - who happens to still be my neurologist, to this day, Dr. Pillai.
Dr. Pillai was able to diagnose me, almost immediately, the next day when my vision totally, completely went out. Got a spinal tap and an MRI with and without contrast dye, and was given the immediate diagnosis of MS.
I was just glad that I finally knew what the hell was wrong with my body. Very, very glad. Not scared - just - glad...
This is about the third time that my right hand has went out on me, in some sort of way. A few times when I have had flareups, in the past, I couldn't use my right hand - at all.
Now? I can use it, just not that well. I guess that's the reason why Dr. Pillai only ordered up three days of steroids for me, with this flareup. Just two more to go, with the second one this afternoon. Tomorrow is the last round of the stuff.
Many times, in the past, I have had at least six rounds of the Solumedrol. And there have been a few instances where I have only had three infusions - like this go-around.
I just really miss being able to do my music. Hugely. Totally. Music? Is my entire, entire life. Entirely.
I miss ripping riffs out & about with my electric guitar. I miss jamming with my 12-string acoustic. I miss even jamming with the mandolin - though the mandolin is easiest on my right hands, because you don't have to strum the strings as hard as you would on, say - a guitar.
My group, "Optic20" is now no more... I wound up getting into it with my lead guitarist last week... he was _hugely_ critical of me in the last two weeks, as I wasn't able to play rhythm guitar at our last two weekly gigs.
Plus, when he has been drinking? Turns into a _huge_ critical jerk. Hugely critical. Plus, since he has had to do the rhythm guitar parts, well - he really sucked at doing just that. He is a good guitarist, but he's not at a level that I can't get to, especially concerning lead guitar. I'm a decent lead guitarist, anyway, and I don't need him and his mean, drunk ass criticizing me - especially when I'm not able to play the rhythm guitar parts. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
On my own again - but that? Is O_K_A_Y... totally & completely. I can do it. I know it. I started out by myself, and I will finish out - by myself, again.
Cheers to everyone out there. Deuces & Peace Out...
-drew
I try, and try, and try and try - but to no avail...
Sure - I can still pluck the strings - not a problem... but actually holding onto that dadgum pick - cannot do that just yet. Can't do it.
Slept very, very hard last night. Woke up this morning with an aching left shoulder, as I had slept on that all night long, without moving, turning, tossing - or anything. Which means (which isn't the first time...) that I wake up with about the sorest shoulder and arm - in the world...
I tend to stick to one side when sleeping - usually always my left side, at that. I was exhausted. I am still recovering from the beginning of this month, where I was up for six days - straight.
One never really tends to get over a "sleep deficit". Doesn't happen. Not with me, anyway. And though I don't have to join the working world anymore, well - still - I need to catch up on my rest. It's crucial with this disease.
Stress tends to bring out the worst in MS - always always always. I just had a shirt on, just a minute ago, and began getting hot-flashes - not fun - not in the least. Had to pull that off. Hot-flashes (I believe...) are the disease, hard at work. Very hard in a very hard way...
When I first began getting sick (back in mid-to-late 2006), I was having hot-flashes at my job as a relay operator. Thought that I was going through early "male menopause" - joked around with all of the girls at my work about it. Little did I know that this was the disease, making its first appearance.
Of course I laughed the hot-flashes off... thought they were trivial; meaningless even. Little did I know that this was the disease eating away at the outer layers of my brain and spinal cord.
At the time, I was coming home from my job at 3:30pm, going straight to bed by 4pm, getting _back_ up at 6am for my shower and a quick shave - then back off to work again.
The excessive-sleeping lasted for six months... then the other symptoms began occurring. Like my vision. It was getting awfully hard to read that sign out sheet, at the end of my shift. Eventually, by June of 2007, I was having to get other people to show me the line where I was supposed to sign my name. That was getting scary - very, very scary.
By July had come around, my vision difficulties were becoming paramount. And by the 3rd? I was almost completely blind. Went to my ophthalmologist, Dr. Furr, to which he said it might or might not be multiple sclerosis, and referred me to a neurologist - who happens to still be my neurologist, to this day, Dr. Pillai.
Dr. Pillai was able to diagnose me, almost immediately, the next day when my vision totally, completely went out. Got a spinal tap and an MRI with and without contrast dye, and was given the immediate diagnosis of MS.
I was just glad that I finally knew what the hell was wrong with my body. Very, very glad. Not scared - just - glad...
This is about the third time that my right hand has went out on me, in some sort of way. A few times when I have had flareups, in the past, I couldn't use my right hand - at all.
Now? I can use it, just not that well. I guess that's the reason why Dr. Pillai only ordered up three days of steroids for me, with this flareup. Just two more to go, with the second one this afternoon. Tomorrow is the last round of the stuff.
Many times, in the past, I have had at least six rounds of the Solumedrol. And there have been a few instances where I have only had three infusions - like this go-around.
I just really miss being able to do my music. Hugely. Totally. Music? Is my entire, entire life. Entirely.
I miss ripping riffs out & about with my electric guitar. I miss jamming with my 12-string acoustic. I miss even jamming with the mandolin - though the mandolin is easiest on my right hands, because you don't have to strum the strings as hard as you would on, say - a guitar.
My group, "Optic20" is now no more... I wound up getting into it with my lead guitarist last week... he was _hugely_ critical of me in the last two weeks, as I wasn't able to play rhythm guitar at our last two weekly gigs.
Plus, when he has been drinking? Turns into a _huge_ critical jerk. Hugely critical. Plus, since he has had to do the rhythm guitar parts, well - he really sucked at doing just that. He is a good guitarist, but he's not at a level that I can't get to, especially concerning lead guitar. I'm a decent lead guitarist, anyway, and I don't need him and his mean, drunk ass criticizing me - especially when I'm not able to play the rhythm guitar parts. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
On my own again - but that? Is O_K_A_Y... totally & completely. I can do it. I know it. I started out by myself, and I will finish out - by myself, again.
Cheers to everyone out there. Deuces & Peace Out...
-drew
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Infusion/185...
Just got home from my first steroid infusion of MethylPrednisolone - it's an hour long infusion of 1000mg (1gm) of Solumedrol - the Solumedrol is crucial with MS patients, like myself, as the steroids calm down any inflammation that might be going on in my nervous system (brain & spinal cord)... the inflammation is what causes brain damage, as my white blood cells are penetrating my nervous system (only red blood cells are supposed to be in the brain - NOT white blood cells...) and as the white blood cells begin their attack on my nervous system, which in the past, has caused everything from an almost a year of blindness, to my right knee not being able to bend (as well as the right leg going completely numb on me...), to my right hand not wanting to work, etc etc etc...
Most all of the symptoms from the MS have been on the right side of my body - never the left; this is because the left side of my brain and spinal column are under some attack from the WBC's (white blood cells), which in turn, causes the right side of my body to experience the damned symptoms. I have been waiting, and waiting - AND WAITING - for this crucial infusion for at least almost two weeks - maybe longer - as I woke up the morning of the fifth of this month, without being able to use my right hand.
As a musician - mainly a lead & rhythm guitarist, along with mandolin and keys/piano, and a lyricist/singer - well I have to have my right hand working correctly when I am playing, as that is the hand that I pick, strum and manipulate those sweet strings with... and with me not being able to hold onto a pick, and continuously dropping it - over, and over, and over and over again - well it's just very frustrating.
I also have not been able to type my usual 100 words-per-minute that I normally am able to do. That is also _very_ frustrating, in itself. I was planning on going to a coffee shop here in midtown Memphis this evening, for their open-mic event, held every Thursday night starting around 8pm and lasting until 10pm, when they close - a tiny little place called Java Cabana. Playing a Java is o_k_a_y, but the only things I don't like about playing there is 1) you have to play _all_ original music - NO covers - which sucks, because I grew up learning guitar by trying to mimic bands like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, ZZ Top, James Taylor, Jimi Hendrix and others - they were all the absolute _best_ guitar instructors that you would only have to pay for once: by getting their albums on tape or CD, or however I could get their music - I got it, learned it, and can still play most everything those bands and artists have ever, ever done... being a self-taught guitarist, since age 12 (I will be 36 come September...), I have learned much in my travels with my strings.
I bought a simple mandolin, about six months ago, and have also been teaching myself _that_ particular instrument, as well... I know most all of my chords, and the neat thing about mandolin is that the chord patterns are basically upside-down, compared to a guitar... on guitar, the beginning notes of the strings are E, A, D, G, B and E... on mandolin, the beginning notes of _those_ strings are G, D, A and E - and is also the same layout as violin... I haven't tackled violin, not just yet - but it is the next instrument on my list that I will learn how to play. Though I am not as good or fluent on the mandolin as I am on say, any one of my guitars - I am still able to quickly switch back & forth from my chords, as well as playing some individual notes on the thing. To say so myself - I am definitely NOT bad on the thing... not bad at all.
I have been losing a lot of weight recently, as well, as my appetite has been really, really crappy. The only time I ever get hungry enough to eat is after I take my Seroquel at night - the Seroquel enables me to at least get four to five hours of sleep a night. Though, I did NOT sleep well last night - at ALL... I was weighed at the infusion clinic, and I weighed 185. For someone who is 6'2" - I should at the _least_ weigh 200 pounds - but - I don't really care about that. As long as I can stay at least at 185, I am not ever concerned about my weight. At all...
Before I started to get sick with the MS, and was finally diagnosed (4 July, 2007...) I weighed 255 pounds, wore a 38 inch waist, and had a definite complex about my weight and my appearance. I now wear a 33 inch waist, am slender and not self-conscious about my appearance, to which I have zero problems with taking my shirt off for, say, going swimming or going to the beach, etc. It's actually nice wearing clothing sizes that I wore back in 8th grade - I picked up guitar in the 7th grade, played football, basketball and baseball, and was an avid athlete, as well as being a damn good one, at that.
Basketball was always my best sport, until I got into high school. That's when I started playing varsity football (9th grade), and fell absolutely, head-over-heels in _LOVE_ with the game. I played defensive end on the defensive line, as well as some linebacker - on defense, and played pulling guard on the offensive line. I ran a 40-yard-dash in 4.8 seconds, which wasn't bad at all for someone who weighed 220 to 240 pounds. I was one of the faster players on the team, and instead of running with the linemen at the end of practice - which was when we did our running & sprinting - I instead ran with the running backs, quarterbacks, and the offensive receivers (who mostly all ran at least a 4.7 in the 40)... I was dunking a basketball on a 10-foot-goal my sophomore year of high school, and though I wouldn't even attempt doing that, now, because of my balance issues, well, I was just a doggone good athlete.
My mother - not my father - taught me the game of basketball when I was in the third grade, which was when I started playing. Mom played forward/center when she was in high school, and was a doggone good basketballer, herself. My Pops was an avid, religious baseball fanatic, and even though he always criticized my basketball game (he played some basketball, himself...), he never did criticize me in football - as he knew very little of the game, didn't grow up playing it or anything, and was kind of a beginner-level football fan... I never minded him coming to my football games - just my basketball and baseball games. Football? I was the first in my family to ever, ever play that sport.
My sports days are history, now, and though I do miss getting out and shooting a basketball, it's not something that I have to do anymore... I have plenty, plenty plenty memories of my days on the basketball court, baseball field, and football field.
My 8th grade year, our junior high basketball team was _extremely_ talented, and I played forward/guard, and played the high post at the free throw line. I was 6 feet tall my 8th grade year, and had a 6'4" center to dish the ball to down low, in a humongous feller named Dean Harris. Dean is about 6'6", now, and played college football for Auburn. We also had an excellent point guard by the name of Chris Brumley, who was also our quarterback on the football team - excellent, excellent athlete. My shooting guard, at the 2-guard position, was Jeremiah Cowan. Cowan was an excellent 3-point shooter, and could shoot the living daylights out of the ball. At our 3-guard position was a good friend of mine by the name of Tony Toms. Tony was about 6'4" at the time, and was an absolutely fabulous basketballer. Fabulous. He went on to play college basketball at Friends University in Kansas.
We went on to be 19-2 that year, and our only losses were against teams that played 9th graders - we only played up to 8th graders - but we went on to beat those teams the second time around.
Anyway, me and my 6'2", 185 pound frame? I _would_ say that I am in the best shape of my entire life - but I would be completely lying. I'm not - but that? Is O_K_A_Y... completely.
I have two more days of IV Solumedrol in tomorrow and Saturday... I go in at 1:30 tomorrow for my second infusion, and then go back in at 3pm on Saturday for my last steroid infusion. I am expecting to be able to feel and use my right hand again... soon. I need my right hand. Without my hands? I am completely nothing, and am as useless as bringing a knife to a gunfight.
Oh - and I am also getting over my recent breakup, as well. Everyday gets a little bit easier, and easier, and easier. It's getting easier to deal with the loss of my beautiful cougar, in a woman named Kathleen. She's so pretty, and, well - I just hope I can continue getting over her, and that the pain from this breakup will eventually go away. I don't know if I am going to try to date anybody anytime soon, as I am still coping. They say that the best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else, but - I don't agree. I _DO_ however, think that me getting back out there and at least dating a few people - not seriously, have you, but - just getting back _out_ there - that will make things easier on me. But then again - I am very choosy about the women that I date, and have never been into easy women, barflies, or hookers. I like classy dames. That's all. Classy women completely turn me on =)
Cheeeeeeeeeers(!!!) ya'll!!! Pray that my hand gets sensation back - and SOON!!! Thank you... everyone have a wonderful Thursday, okay? Okay...
Peace Out.
-drew ;)
Most all of the symptoms from the MS have been on the right side of my body - never the left; this is because the left side of my brain and spinal column are under some attack from the WBC's (white blood cells), which in turn, causes the right side of my body to experience the damned symptoms. I have been waiting, and waiting - AND WAITING - for this crucial infusion for at least almost two weeks - maybe longer - as I woke up the morning of the fifth of this month, without being able to use my right hand.
As a musician - mainly a lead & rhythm guitarist, along with mandolin and keys/piano, and a lyricist/singer - well I have to have my right hand working correctly when I am playing, as that is the hand that I pick, strum and manipulate those sweet strings with... and with me not being able to hold onto a pick, and continuously dropping it - over, and over, and over and over again - well it's just very frustrating.
I also have not been able to type my usual 100 words-per-minute that I normally am able to do. That is also _very_ frustrating, in itself. I was planning on going to a coffee shop here in midtown Memphis this evening, for their open-mic event, held every Thursday night starting around 8pm and lasting until 10pm, when they close - a tiny little place called Java Cabana. Playing a Java is o_k_a_y, but the only things I don't like about playing there is 1) you have to play _all_ original music - NO covers - which sucks, because I grew up learning guitar by trying to mimic bands like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, ZZ Top, James Taylor, Jimi Hendrix and others - they were all the absolute _best_ guitar instructors that you would only have to pay for once: by getting their albums on tape or CD, or however I could get their music - I got it, learned it, and can still play most everything those bands and artists have ever, ever done... being a self-taught guitarist, since age 12 (I will be 36 come September...), I have learned much in my travels with my strings.
I bought a simple mandolin, about six months ago, and have also been teaching myself _that_ particular instrument, as well... I know most all of my chords, and the neat thing about mandolin is that the chord patterns are basically upside-down, compared to a guitar... on guitar, the beginning notes of the strings are E, A, D, G, B and E... on mandolin, the beginning notes of _those_ strings are G, D, A and E - and is also the same layout as violin... I haven't tackled violin, not just yet - but it is the next instrument on my list that I will learn how to play. Though I am not as good or fluent on the mandolin as I am on say, any one of my guitars - I am still able to quickly switch back & forth from my chords, as well as playing some individual notes on the thing. To say so myself - I am definitely NOT bad on the thing... not bad at all.
I have been losing a lot of weight recently, as well, as my appetite has been really, really crappy. The only time I ever get hungry enough to eat is after I take my Seroquel at night - the Seroquel enables me to at least get four to five hours of sleep a night. Though, I did NOT sleep well last night - at ALL... I was weighed at the infusion clinic, and I weighed 185. For someone who is 6'2" - I should at the _least_ weigh 200 pounds - but - I don't really care about that. As long as I can stay at least at 185, I am not ever concerned about my weight. At all...
Before I started to get sick with the MS, and was finally diagnosed (4 July, 2007...) I weighed 255 pounds, wore a 38 inch waist, and had a definite complex about my weight and my appearance. I now wear a 33 inch waist, am slender and not self-conscious about my appearance, to which I have zero problems with taking my shirt off for, say, going swimming or going to the beach, etc. It's actually nice wearing clothing sizes that I wore back in 8th grade - I picked up guitar in the 7th grade, played football, basketball and baseball, and was an avid athlete, as well as being a damn good one, at that.
Basketball was always my best sport, until I got into high school. That's when I started playing varsity football (9th grade), and fell absolutely, head-over-heels in _LOVE_ with the game. I played defensive end on the defensive line, as well as some linebacker - on defense, and played pulling guard on the offensive line. I ran a 40-yard-dash in 4.8 seconds, which wasn't bad at all for someone who weighed 220 to 240 pounds. I was one of the faster players on the team, and instead of running with the linemen at the end of practice - which was when we did our running & sprinting - I instead ran with the running backs, quarterbacks, and the offensive receivers (who mostly all ran at least a 4.7 in the 40)... I was dunking a basketball on a 10-foot-goal my sophomore year of high school, and though I wouldn't even attempt doing that, now, because of my balance issues, well, I was just a doggone good athlete.
My mother - not my father - taught me the game of basketball when I was in the third grade, which was when I started playing. Mom played forward/center when she was in high school, and was a doggone good basketballer, herself. My Pops was an avid, religious baseball fanatic, and even though he always criticized my basketball game (he played some basketball, himself...), he never did criticize me in football - as he knew very little of the game, didn't grow up playing it or anything, and was kind of a beginner-level football fan... I never minded him coming to my football games - just my basketball and baseball games. Football? I was the first in my family to ever, ever play that sport.
My sports days are history, now, and though I do miss getting out and shooting a basketball, it's not something that I have to do anymore... I have plenty, plenty plenty memories of my days on the basketball court, baseball field, and football field.
My 8th grade year, our junior high basketball team was _extremely_ talented, and I played forward/guard, and played the high post at the free throw line. I was 6 feet tall my 8th grade year, and had a 6'4" center to dish the ball to down low, in a humongous feller named Dean Harris. Dean is about 6'6", now, and played college football for Auburn. We also had an excellent point guard by the name of Chris Brumley, who was also our quarterback on the football team - excellent, excellent athlete. My shooting guard, at the 2-guard position, was Jeremiah Cowan. Cowan was an excellent 3-point shooter, and could shoot the living daylights out of the ball. At our 3-guard position was a good friend of mine by the name of Tony Toms. Tony was about 6'4" at the time, and was an absolutely fabulous basketballer. Fabulous. He went on to play college basketball at Friends University in Kansas.
We went on to be 19-2 that year, and our only losses were against teams that played 9th graders - we only played up to 8th graders - but we went on to beat those teams the second time around.
Anyway, me and my 6'2", 185 pound frame? I _would_ say that I am in the best shape of my entire life - but I would be completely lying. I'm not - but that? Is O_K_A_Y... completely.
I have two more days of IV Solumedrol in tomorrow and Saturday... I go in at 1:30 tomorrow for my second infusion, and then go back in at 3pm on Saturday for my last steroid infusion. I am expecting to be able to feel and use my right hand again... soon. I need my right hand. Without my hands? I am completely nothing, and am as useless as bringing a knife to a gunfight.
Oh - and I am also getting over my recent breakup, as well. Everyday gets a little bit easier, and easier, and easier. It's getting easier to deal with the loss of my beautiful cougar, in a woman named Kathleen. She's so pretty, and, well - I just hope I can continue getting over her, and that the pain from this breakup will eventually go away. I don't know if I am going to try to date anybody anytime soon, as I am still coping. They say that the best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else, but - I don't agree. I _DO_ however, think that me getting back out there and at least dating a few people - not seriously, have you, but - just getting back _out_ there - that will make things easier on me. But then again - I am very choosy about the women that I date, and have never been into easy women, barflies, or hookers. I like classy dames. That's all. Classy women completely turn me on =)
Cheeeeeeeeeers(!!!) ya'll!!! Pray that my hand gets sensation back - and SOON!!! Thank you... everyone have a wonderful Thursday, okay? Okay...
Peace Out.
-drew ;)
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
What women want...
I have come to the not-so-wonderful conclusion, just a few days ago of exactly why my ex-girlfriend is no longer my significant other...
Since I was with my ex, I have had problems with, um, how do I put this in a PG-13 term? - "performance" - when in the bedroom.
It's not something I am ashamed of. To put it bluntly, I have wondered if that reason for my "non-performance" had something to do with my having brain damage from MS, or if it was for a psychological reason, or what... I mean, if I am really into a woman - I don't believe that I would have any problems in that particular area. I can't really tell, as this is the first woman that I had been with, since I came down with this stupid disease.
For instance - I am 35 years old, and will be turning 36 in a few months. My ex is 46, and will turn 47 in December... now, that was an 11-year age difference. Sure, she was pretty. Not beautifully drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but she most definitely had her moments when it came to the "looks" department. On the other hand - I am NO underwear model that only has 2% body-fat, either... though I am, however, wearing a waist-size that I haven't worn since eighth grade - which is a 34 inch waist, 32 inch length in the legs, if it wasn't for the MS and the way that my brain looked? You would probably think of me as a decent-looking enough guy. Maybe. Getting on to it, I think that I am a decent looking guy. Decent enough. Though I don't think that I'm beautiful or anything like that, I am _no_ scrub. Not by any means a scrub... not at all.
There were times in this last relationship that I had some pretty annoying problems in getting my libido going - amongst other things. I don't know if it was because I knew I was with a woman who was closer to 50 years of age than myself (she referred to herself as my "cougar" - more than once...), or if it was because of stupid things like the way the perfume that she would wear (it was really, really a bad perfume - did not smell sexy - at ALL...), or the odor of her breath (sometimes it kind of smelled, "funky", if that word can describe some weird breath going on???) or the way that her voice always sounded so, mousy (???) whenever we talked or asked for me on the telephone after one of my buddies answered it, here at home - or what.
And - I have been with some beautiful women in my lifetime. She was pretty, but not beautiful. She also looked kind of frumpy-looking in some of her outfits that she would wear out in public - along with looking downright beautiful in others - so - all-in-all? She was a 6, maybe a 6.5 on the looks scale.
I consider myself a 7.5 or _maybe_ an 8 - depending on when I have the right threads on, or can smooth-talk a lady out of her shell of a front, just all depends. But then again - I am only labeling her, in regards to myself. In all reality? I am more likely to be a 6 - she's probably a 5... it all depends on who is doing the score tally, among a lot of other factors. I also think that how much money a man (or woman...) makes also adds to the said person's attractiveness, or unattractiveness - money is a definite, DEFinite game changer. Always. The car that a man is driving makes all the difference when it comes to a lot of women. I drive a 2008 Buick LaCrosse with only 42k miles on it, a nice, low-mileage car (I didn't drive for over four years. That, along with me living five minutes from everything, here in Memphis, like the University of Memphis, or my neurologist's office, Walgreens, etc keeps the mileage very low). My LaCrosse is a very nice car - it's no Cadillac, but it's nice enough - I am not sure if that same concept counts for the other way around... just not sure. I guess that I am more likely to be intimidated by a woman that drives some kickass, badass car and is at least a 7 - I guess. I don't know. Probably so very true, in my book.
I am looking forward to the day that I finish my degree, up at the U of M - I have been after _that_ since the fall of 1996, at the U of M, and changed around to different schools in different cities and states, along with many different majors, but always, always came back home to Memphis... my ex just finished _her_ degree at Memphis, this past May - she had been after that since the fall of 1996, as well. I just look forward to having that degree on my wall. Whether or not I get some high-paying job - doesn't matter to me. Though I don't make much on Social Security Disability, I do make enough to survive, as well as enough to buy my Bud Light Margaritas (that I _SO_ love to drink!!!), along with some of my other expenditures - I am still living in the same house that I have been in since I was only one... It's paid for, mine, and though it's NO mansion, has only two bedrooms, a small kitchen and a small bathroom - it's enough for THIS guy... I don't feel like I ever want to leave this house. I want to stay in this one "for the duration".
I am also looking forward to the time where I will finally, finally, meet my queen... I had thought that this last gal was my queen, and though she even told me that she was - well I now know that she was completely full of shit and is most certainly not - and that? Hey - that is okay. I'm just glad that she broke things off before it really, really really started getting super-serious. Glad that it's all over with and done, and now? It's alllll over. Wow... what a ride that was.
So with all of that being said, about my libido and my deficiencies and everything, well - it's all out there, now. All out there. And I could care less. Totally. I am not here to impress every woman on the planet with my looks, or lack thereof, or my money or housing situation - or lack thereof - none of that bullshit. The only people I care to impress would have to be my potential fans that I might have (or make...) in the music business. That's it. Everything else? Can go by the wayside. I could care less...
I have had another long day, as I got out in the front flowerbed and pulled weeds... I still need to mow. It's hot, here in Memphis, and I never, ever, EV_ER cut the lawn before 6pm. Never. Nope.
Hope everyone in the blogosphere is having a great day. Hope you enjoy reading some of this crap. Hey - it's out there, free to read and peruse at your own enjoyment, so - here's to you...
Deuces & Peace_OUT(!!!)
-ajb
Since I was with my ex, I have had problems with, um, how do I put this in a PG-13 term? - "performance" - when in the bedroom.
It's not something I am ashamed of. To put it bluntly, I have wondered if that reason for my "non-performance" had something to do with my having brain damage from MS, or if it was for a psychological reason, or what... I mean, if I am really into a woman - I don't believe that I would have any problems in that particular area. I can't really tell, as this is the first woman that I had been with, since I came down with this stupid disease.
For instance - I am 35 years old, and will be turning 36 in a few months. My ex is 46, and will turn 47 in December... now, that was an 11-year age difference. Sure, she was pretty. Not beautifully drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but she most definitely had her moments when it came to the "looks" department. On the other hand - I am NO underwear model that only has 2% body-fat, either... though I am, however, wearing a waist-size that I haven't worn since eighth grade - which is a 34 inch waist, 32 inch length in the legs, if it wasn't for the MS and the way that my brain looked? You would probably think of me as a decent-looking enough guy. Maybe. Getting on to it, I think that I am a decent looking guy. Decent enough. Though I don't think that I'm beautiful or anything like that, I am _no_ scrub. Not by any means a scrub... not at all.
There were times in this last relationship that I had some pretty annoying problems in getting my libido going - amongst other things. I don't know if it was because I knew I was with a woman who was closer to 50 years of age than myself (she referred to herself as my "cougar" - more than once...), or if it was because of stupid things like the way the perfume that she would wear (it was really, really a bad perfume - did not smell sexy - at ALL...), or the odor of her breath (sometimes it kind of smelled, "funky", if that word can describe some weird breath going on???) or the way that her voice always sounded so, mousy (???) whenever we talked or asked for me on the telephone after one of my buddies answered it, here at home - or what.
And - I have been with some beautiful women in my lifetime. She was pretty, but not beautiful. She also looked kind of frumpy-looking in some of her outfits that she would wear out in public - along with looking downright beautiful in others - so - all-in-all? She was a 6, maybe a 6.5 on the looks scale.
I consider myself a 7.5 or _maybe_ an 8 - depending on when I have the right threads on, or can smooth-talk a lady out of her shell of a front, just all depends. But then again - I am only labeling her, in regards to myself. In all reality? I am more likely to be a 6 - she's probably a 5... it all depends on who is doing the score tally, among a lot of other factors. I also think that how much money a man (or woman...) makes also adds to the said person's attractiveness, or unattractiveness - money is a definite, DEFinite game changer. Always. The car that a man is driving makes all the difference when it comes to a lot of women. I drive a 2008 Buick LaCrosse with only 42k miles on it, a nice, low-mileage car (I didn't drive for over four years. That, along with me living five minutes from everything, here in Memphis, like the University of Memphis, or my neurologist's office, Walgreens, etc keeps the mileage very low). My LaCrosse is a very nice car - it's no Cadillac, but it's nice enough - I am not sure if that same concept counts for the other way around... just not sure. I guess that I am more likely to be intimidated by a woman that drives some kickass, badass car and is at least a 7 - I guess. I don't know. Probably so very true, in my book.
I am looking forward to the day that I finish my degree, up at the U of M - I have been after _that_ since the fall of 1996, at the U of M, and changed around to different schools in different cities and states, along with many different majors, but always, always came back home to Memphis... my ex just finished _her_ degree at Memphis, this past May - she had been after that since the fall of 1996, as well. I just look forward to having that degree on my wall. Whether or not I get some high-paying job - doesn't matter to me. Though I don't make much on Social Security Disability, I do make enough to survive, as well as enough to buy my Bud Light Margaritas (that I _SO_ love to drink!!!), along with some of my other expenditures - I am still living in the same house that I have been in since I was only one... It's paid for, mine, and though it's NO mansion, has only two bedrooms, a small kitchen and a small bathroom - it's enough for THIS guy... I don't feel like I ever want to leave this house. I want to stay in this one "for the duration".
I am also looking forward to the time where I will finally, finally, meet my queen... I had thought that this last gal was my queen, and though she even told me that she was - well I now know that she was completely full of shit and is most certainly not - and that? Hey - that is okay. I'm just glad that she broke things off before it really, really really started getting super-serious. Glad that it's all over with and done, and now? It's alllll over. Wow... what a ride that was.
So with all of that being said, about my libido and my deficiencies and everything, well - it's all out there, now. All out there. And I could care less. Totally. I am not here to impress every woman on the planet with my looks, or lack thereof, or my money or housing situation - or lack thereof - none of that bullshit. The only people I care to impress would have to be my potential fans that I might have (or make...) in the music business. That's it. Everything else? Can go by the wayside. I could care less...
I have had another long day, as I got out in the front flowerbed and pulled weeds... I still need to mow. It's hot, here in Memphis, and I never, ever, EV_ER cut the lawn before 6pm. Never. Nope.
Hope everyone in the blogosphere is having a great day. Hope you enjoy reading some of this crap. Hey - it's out there, free to read and peruse at your own enjoyment, so - here's to you...
Deuces & Peace_OUT(!!!)
-ajb
Monday, July 14, 2014
My life since July 4, 2007...
This is my first post on this website. I _was_ blogging on my Facebook page - since mid-2008 - and most of my blog postings on FB were in regards to the disease that I have been dealing with, Multiple Sclerosis (MS), since late 2006 - though I was not diagnosed until July 4, 2007 - I went completely blind on that day, and that blindness lasted for almost a year, all the way until late May of 2008, after I had finished up three months of chemotherapy - and then had to deal with diplopia (double-vision) until mid-2011, as I did not (and could not...) drive for over four years. But - read on... it gets better - or is it, it gets worse? - oh well - like I said - read on...
I've been through a TON of life changes, especially in the last few months or so.
I am going to post about these particular changes in this blog, as a matter of fact, I'm going to post about them in this particular post...
My girlfriend broke up with me, towards the end of June/beginning of July - just a few weeks ago. The loss of our relationship shook me to my core... I had not dated anyone since 2008, had not kissed a woman since 2008, had not had a date since 2008 - it had been _SUCH_ a long time since I had done, well - anything - with a woman since way back when.
My ex-girlfriend kind of caught me by surprise when we first met. We didn't start dating immediately, but after a month of me taking my 12-string acoustic guitar over to her house, and covering songs by many country artists, like Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, among many, many others - well - I pretty much fell in love with her. And at the time when we were dating? Well, she had told me that she had fallen in love with ME...
She said that she felt "suffocated", which was puzzling to me (at the time), as I did not call her - she called me - we didn't see each other more than three times in a week, but - there was _one_ culprit - that can be SO, SO SO detrimental to a relationship, that many folks don't even ponder or think about - Facebook...
Social-networking is truly great for meeting new people. But - I made the HUGE mistake of posting about her, and how much I loved and adored her, all of that stuff - not in person - but again, on the damn Facebook.
So yeah - I wound up with a broken heart - still have one, as it is now only July 14, but every day it is getting better and easier on me - a lot less pain, every single day. It most definitely IS getting easier to live with.
So anyway, I lost my girl, and the night that she broke up with me (which was on a Friday...), I was soooo distraught that I stayed up for six consecutive nights without _any_ sleep - at all... and that? In turn?
Well, six days later, after I had FINALLY gotten some rest, well - I woke up with a dead, non-working right hand. Not completely dead, as I can still use my right thumb, forefinger and middle finger - it's just the ring finger and pinky finger that I cannot use. Typing this? Much more difficult without those two fingers. You can't hit semicolon, colon, "P", backspace, the right shift button, among others.
Usually? I type about 100 words-per-minute, but now? That speed is down to about 40-to-50 wpm... which is, if you know me? Then you know the two things that I can do with my hands, better than most of the folks walking around in the public, today - that is 1) typing, and 2) playing guitar.
I've been playing since 1990, as I taught myself how to play - all the while picking up tips and "tricks" on the guitar that really, _really_ make one sound good on the thing. So - now with this damn flareup going on? Well - I cannot keep a hold of a guitar pick - though I have the use of my forefinger, middle finger and thumb, well - it STILL makes a world (a WURRRRLD!!!) of difference!!!
I have tried to play guitar during my last two gigs, which were up at a local Memphis bar, winery and restaurant called The Cove (Broad Street at Bingham, close to midtown area, here in Memphis...) - I tried and tried to play - kept on (and on, and on and on and on...) dropping my stupid pick - every_single_time - every time, without fail (or should I say, with fail...) - which meant that I had to improvise and use my right forefinger to strum those strings - tore that forefinger up, doing just that - as of today, the finger no longer has a sore on it, but - whatever... I just want the use of my right hand back.
I have also been waiting on IV-Steroids from my neurologist, that particular treatment (used in MS, as well as in other autoimmune diseases, like Crohn's Disease, Ulcerative Colitis, certain cancers, etc.) is the powerful steroid, "MethylPrednisolone" - I don't know why it is taking so freaking long to get my steroids, as I am going on two weeks now, with my stupid hand not being able to work right.
I hate this disease. I truly, truly do. The one day that I don't look forward to is the day that I wake up, only to have no use of my hands, legs, feet - anything of that sort. This disease is so damn unpredictable. Soooo unpredictable - it's really, really really very scary, when I'm just thinking about it...
I recently closed my Facebook down - put it on "hold" and made it an inactive account. I didn't want to see my ex-girlfriend's face on the FB updates & home pages. I know that a lot of my family and friends are going to be wondering why in the hell I did that. I just felt that FB had become kind of a waste of time... it wasn't helping me get gigs for my music, it wasn't helping for me to see her face anymore, and I also got tired of all of the game-requests, birthday calendar-requests - all that jazz.
I have decided to "go off of the grid" for a while... at least in the Facebook "Blogosphere" - sometimes I shared too much information with folks (which I don't really _mind_ doing... but...), as I don't embarrass easily and have shared things with the public - like my battle and overdose with heroin addiction - which was all the way back in 2004-2005 - as well as my private life - like my failed marriage, way back when - as well as recent events with my ex-girlfriend, and so on and so forth.
I guess since I don't go to therapy with my psychologist (Dr. Neal...), and haven't been in _so_ so so so long - I guess that I used things like FB, blogs, and any other outlet for the world (or the UNIVERSE...) to see - I have no problem with folks passing judgment on me. Not at all. I see it as my "penance" for all of the wrongs that I caused and committed, back in my early and mid-twenties, as I used women (and other things...) for my own personal cravings, and had so, SO many throw-away & discarded relationships, especially when it came to dating, sex, drugs, and a few of the other vices that men are capable of having, in that personal "yoke" to bear and carry... it's SOOO heavy... so, so so so very heavy.
I came to a decision about a little over a year ago, that I would share my secrets with the world... that carrying those secrets around? NOT healthy - for anyone!!! I now know that since I don't "do" secrets? (at least, not anymore) That I don't have to carry around that damned beast of burden and it's machine - never, ever again - I do not have to carry those, and WON'T carry them around!!!
So my disease, my relationships (or lack thereof...), my music? Everything is, and has been - put on hold. My life is a work in progress.
I'm just documenting everything in my life, from now on. This is my very own, personal journal - not that I don't mind sharing it with the cosmos - because I don't - I am a writer, always have been, and no matter what happens to my body - I will find _some_ way to write - someway...
That's all for today. It is Monday, July 14. I hope that Tuesday, July 15? Brings with it some damn steroids!!! I am really fed up with not knowing when, or IF, or WHERE that I get my infusion... I really, really really need this. Kind of just fed up with my neuro & staff... I just feel as if I've been put on hold.
Cause if I lose the use of my right hand??? And can't play my guitar, my mandolin, my keyboard anymore??? Then I don't know if I could really go on. This is vitally important to my psyche.
Hope... it's all I've got. Alllllll I've got. Period.
-ajb
I've been through a TON of life changes, especially in the last few months or so.
I am going to post about these particular changes in this blog, as a matter of fact, I'm going to post about them in this particular post...
My girlfriend broke up with me, towards the end of June/beginning of July - just a few weeks ago. The loss of our relationship shook me to my core... I had not dated anyone since 2008, had not kissed a woman since 2008, had not had a date since 2008 - it had been _SUCH_ a long time since I had done, well - anything - with a woman since way back when.
My ex-girlfriend kind of caught me by surprise when we first met. We didn't start dating immediately, but after a month of me taking my 12-string acoustic guitar over to her house, and covering songs by many country artists, like Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, among many, many others - well - I pretty much fell in love with her. And at the time when we were dating? Well, she had told me that she had fallen in love with ME...
She said that she felt "suffocated", which was puzzling to me (at the time), as I did not call her - she called me - we didn't see each other more than three times in a week, but - there was _one_ culprit - that can be SO, SO SO detrimental to a relationship, that many folks don't even ponder or think about - Facebook...
Social-networking is truly great for meeting new people. But - I made the HUGE mistake of posting about her, and how much I loved and adored her, all of that stuff - not in person - but again, on the damn Facebook.
So yeah - I wound up with a broken heart - still have one, as it is now only July 14, but every day it is getting better and easier on me - a lot less pain, every single day. It most definitely IS getting easier to live with.
So anyway, I lost my girl, and the night that she broke up with me (which was on a Friday...), I was soooo distraught that I stayed up for six consecutive nights without _any_ sleep - at all... and that? In turn?
Well, six days later, after I had FINALLY gotten some rest, well - I woke up with a dead, non-working right hand. Not completely dead, as I can still use my right thumb, forefinger and middle finger - it's just the ring finger and pinky finger that I cannot use. Typing this? Much more difficult without those two fingers. You can't hit semicolon, colon, "P", backspace, the right shift button, among others.
Usually? I type about 100 words-per-minute, but now? That speed is down to about 40-to-50 wpm... which is, if you know me? Then you know the two things that I can do with my hands, better than most of the folks walking around in the public, today - that is 1) typing, and 2) playing guitar.
I've been playing since 1990, as I taught myself how to play - all the while picking up tips and "tricks" on the guitar that really, _really_ make one sound good on the thing. So - now with this damn flareup going on? Well - I cannot keep a hold of a guitar pick - though I have the use of my forefinger, middle finger and thumb, well - it STILL makes a world (a WURRRRLD!!!) of difference!!!
I have tried to play guitar during my last two gigs, which were up at a local Memphis bar, winery and restaurant called The Cove (Broad Street at Bingham, close to midtown area, here in Memphis...) - I tried and tried to play - kept on (and on, and on and on and on...) dropping my stupid pick - every_single_time - every time, without fail (or should I say, with fail...) - which meant that I had to improvise and use my right forefinger to strum those strings - tore that forefinger up, doing just that - as of today, the finger no longer has a sore on it, but - whatever... I just want the use of my right hand back.
I have also been waiting on IV-Steroids from my neurologist, that particular treatment (used in MS, as well as in other autoimmune diseases, like Crohn's Disease, Ulcerative Colitis, certain cancers, etc.) is the powerful steroid, "MethylPrednisolone" - I don't know why it is taking so freaking long to get my steroids, as I am going on two weeks now, with my stupid hand not being able to work right.
I hate this disease. I truly, truly do. The one day that I don't look forward to is the day that I wake up, only to have no use of my hands, legs, feet - anything of that sort. This disease is so damn unpredictable. Soooo unpredictable - it's really, really really very scary, when I'm just thinking about it...
I recently closed my Facebook down - put it on "hold" and made it an inactive account. I didn't want to see my ex-girlfriend's face on the FB updates & home pages. I know that a lot of my family and friends are going to be wondering why in the hell I did that. I just felt that FB had become kind of a waste of time... it wasn't helping me get gigs for my music, it wasn't helping for me to see her face anymore, and I also got tired of all of the game-requests, birthday calendar-requests - all that jazz.
I have decided to "go off of the grid" for a while... at least in the Facebook "Blogosphere" - sometimes I shared too much information with folks (which I don't really _mind_ doing... but...), as I don't embarrass easily and have shared things with the public - like my battle and overdose with heroin addiction - which was all the way back in 2004-2005 - as well as my private life - like my failed marriage, way back when - as well as recent events with my ex-girlfriend, and so on and so forth.
I guess since I don't go to therapy with my psychologist (Dr. Neal...), and haven't been in _so_ so so so long - I guess that I used things like FB, blogs, and any other outlet for the world (or the UNIVERSE...) to see - I have no problem with folks passing judgment on me. Not at all. I see it as my "penance" for all of the wrongs that I caused and committed, back in my early and mid-twenties, as I used women (and other things...) for my own personal cravings, and had so, SO many throw-away & discarded relationships, especially when it came to dating, sex, drugs, and a few of the other vices that men are capable of having, in that personal "yoke" to bear and carry... it's SOOO heavy... so, so so so very heavy.
I came to a decision about a little over a year ago, that I would share my secrets with the world... that carrying those secrets around? NOT healthy - for anyone!!! I now know that since I don't "do" secrets? (at least, not anymore) That I don't have to carry around that damned beast of burden and it's machine - never, ever again - I do not have to carry those, and WON'T carry them around!!!
So my disease, my relationships (or lack thereof...), my music? Everything is, and has been - put on hold. My life is a work in progress.
I'm just documenting everything in my life, from now on. This is my very own, personal journal - not that I don't mind sharing it with the cosmos - because I don't - I am a writer, always have been, and no matter what happens to my body - I will find _some_ way to write - someway...
That's all for today. It is Monday, July 14. I hope that Tuesday, July 15? Brings with it some damn steroids!!! I am really fed up with not knowing when, or IF, or WHERE that I get my infusion... I really, really really need this. Kind of just fed up with my neuro & staff... I just feel as if I've been put on hold.
Cause if I lose the use of my right hand??? And can't play my guitar, my mandolin, my keyboard anymore??? Then I don't know if I could really go on. This is vitally important to my psyche.
Hope... it's all I've got. Alllllll I've got. Period.
-ajb
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)