This is my first post on this website. I _was_ blogging on my Facebook page - since mid-2008 - and most of my blog postings on FB were in regards to the disease that I have been dealing with, Multiple Sclerosis (MS), since late 2006 - though I was not diagnosed until July 4, 2007 - I went completely blind on that day, and that blindness lasted for almost a year, all the way until late May of 2008, after I had finished up three months of chemotherapy - and then had to deal with diplopia (double-vision) until mid-2011, as I did not (and could not...) drive for over four years. But - read on... it gets better - or is it, it gets worse? - oh well - like I said - read on...
I've been through a TON of life changes, especially in the last few months or so.
I am going to post about these particular changes in this blog, as a matter of fact, I'm going to post about them in this particular post...
My girlfriend broke up with me, towards the end of June/beginning of July - just a few weeks ago. The loss of our relationship shook me to my core... I had not dated anyone since 2008, had not kissed a woman since 2008, had not had a date since 2008 - it had been _SUCH_ a long time since I had done, well - anything - with a woman since way back when.
My ex-girlfriend kind of caught me by surprise when we first met. We didn't start dating immediately, but after a month of me taking my 12-string acoustic guitar over to her house, and covering songs by many country artists, like Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, among many, many others - well - I pretty much fell in love with her. And at the time when we were dating? Well, she had told me that she had fallen in love with ME...
She said that she felt "suffocated", which was puzzling to me (at the time), as I did not call her - she called me - we didn't see each other more than three times in a week, but - there was _one_ culprit - that can be SO, SO SO detrimental to a relationship, that many folks don't even ponder or think about - Facebook...
Social-networking is truly great for meeting new people. But - I made the HUGE mistake of posting about her, and how much I loved and adored her, all of that stuff - not in person - but again, on the damn Facebook.
So yeah - I wound up with a broken heart - still have one, as it is now only July 14, but every day it is getting better and easier on me - a lot less pain, every single day. It most definitely IS getting easier to live with.
So anyway, I lost my girl, and the night that she broke up with me (which was on a Friday...), I was soooo distraught that I stayed up for six consecutive nights without _any_ sleep - at all... and that? In turn?
Well, six days later, after I had FINALLY gotten some rest, well - I woke up with a dead, non-working right hand. Not completely dead, as I can still use my right thumb, forefinger and middle finger - it's just the ring finger and pinky finger that I cannot use. Typing this? Much more difficult without those two fingers. You can't hit semicolon, colon, "P", backspace, the right shift button, among others.
Usually? I type about 100 words-per-minute, but now? That speed is down to about 40-to-50 wpm... which is, if you know me? Then you know the two things that I can do with my hands, better than most of the folks walking around in the public, today - that is 1) typing, and 2) playing guitar.
I've been playing since 1990, as I taught myself how to play - all the while picking up tips and "tricks" on the guitar that really, _really_ make one sound good on the thing. So - now with this damn flareup going on? Well - I cannot keep a hold of a guitar pick - though I have the use of my forefinger, middle finger and thumb, well - it STILL makes a world (a WURRRRLD!!!) of difference!!!
I have tried to play guitar during my last two gigs, which were up at a local Memphis bar, winery and restaurant called The Cove (Broad Street at Bingham, close to midtown area, here in Memphis...) - I tried and tried to play - kept on (and on, and on and on and on...) dropping my stupid pick - every_single_time - every time, without fail (or should I say, with fail...) - which meant that I had to improvise and use my right forefinger to strum those strings - tore that forefinger up, doing just that - as of today, the finger no longer has a sore on it, but - whatever... I just want the use of my right hand back.
I have also been waiting on IV-Steroids from my neurologist, that particular treatment (used in MS, as well as in other autoimmune diseases, like Crohn's Disease, Ulcerative Colitis, certain cancers, etc.) is the powerful steroid, "MethylPrednisolone" - I don't know why it is taking so freaking long to get my steroids, as I am going on two weeks now, with my stupid hand not being able to work right.
I hate this disease. I truly, truly do. The one day that I don't look forward to is the day that I wake up, only to have no use of my hands, legs, feet - anything of that sort. This disease is so damn unpredictable. Soooo unpredictable - it's really, really really very scary, when I'm just thinking about it...
I recently closed my Facebook down - put it on "hold" and made it an inactive account. I didn't want to see my ex-girlfriend's face on the FB updates & home pages. I know that a lot of my family and friends are going to be wondering why in the hell I did that. I just felt that FB had become kind of a waste of time... it wasn't helping me get gigs for my music, it wasn't helping for me to see her face anymore, and I also got tired of all of the game-requests, birthday calendar-requests - all that jazz.
I have decided to "go off of the grid" for a while... at least in the Facebook "Blogosphere" - sometimes I shared too much information with folks (which I don't really _mind_ doing... but...), as I don't embarrass easily and have shared things with the public - like my battle and overdose with heroin addiction - which was all the way back in 2004-2005 - as well as my private life - like my failed marriage, way back when - as well as recent events with my ex-girlfriend, and so on and so forth.
I guess since I don't go to therapy with my psychologist (Dr. Neal...), and haven't been in _so_ so so so long - I guess that I used things like FB, blogs, and any other outlet for the world (or the UNIVERSE...) to see - I have no problem with folks passing judgment on me. Not at all. I see it as my "penance" for all of the wrongs that I caused and committed, back in my early and mid-twenties, as I used women (and other things...) for my own personal cravings, and had so, SO many throw-away & discarded relationships, especially when it came to dating, sex, drugs, and a few of the other vices that men are capable of having, in that personal "yoke" to bear and carry... it's SOOO heavy... so, so so so very heavy.
I came to a decision about a little over a year ago, that I would share my secrets with the world... that carrying those secrets around? NOT healthy - for anyone!!! I now know that since I don't "do" secrets? (at least, not anymore) That I don't have to carry around that damned beast of burden and it's machine - never, ever again - I do not have to carry those, and WON'T carry them around!!!
So my disease, my relationships (or lack thereof...), my music? Everything is, and has been - put on hold. My life is a work in progress.
I'm just documenting everything in my life, from now on. This is my very own, personal journal - not that I don't mind sharing it with the cosmos - because I don't - I am a writer, always have been, and no matter what happens to my body - I will find _some_ way to write - someway...
That's all for today. It is Monday, July 14. I hope that Tuesday, July 15? Brings with it some damn steroids!!! I am really fed up with not knowing when, or IF, or WHERE that I get my infusion... I really, really really need this. Kind of just fed up with my neuro & staff... I just feel as if I've been put on hold.
Cause if I lose the use of my right hand??? And can't play my guitar, my mandolin, my keyboard anymore??? Then I don't know if I could really go on. This is vitally important to my psyche.
Hope... it's all I've got. Alllllll I've got. Period.
-ajb
No comments:
Post a Comment