I sooo miss playing my guitars; or my mandolin; or anything else that requires the use of my right hand...
I try, and try, and try and try - but to no avail...
Sure - I can still pluck the strings - not a problem... but actually holding onto that dadgum pick - cannot do that just yet. Can't do it.
Slept very, very hard last night. Woke up this morning with an aching left shoulder, as I had slept on that all night long, without moving, turning, tossing - or anything. Which means (which isn't the first time...) that I wake up with about the sorest shoulder and arm - in the world...
I tend to stick to one side when sleeping - usually always my left side, at that. I was exhausted. I am still recovering from the beginning of this month, where I was up for six days - straight.
One never really tends to get over a "sleep deficit". Doesn't happen. Not with me, anyway. And though I don't have to join the working world anymore, well - still - I need to catch up on my rest. It's crucial with this disease.
Stress tends to bring out the worst in MS - always always always. I just had a shirt on, just a minute ago, and began getting hot-flashes - not fun - not in the least. Had to pull that off. Hot-flashes (I believe...) are the disease, hard at work. Very hard in a very hard way...
When I first began getting sick (back in mid-to-late 2006), I was having hot-flashes at my job as a relay operator. Thought that I was going through early "male menopause" - joked around with all of the girls at my work about it. Little did I know that this was the disease, making its first appearance.
Of course I laughed the hot-flashes off... thought they were trivial; meaningless even. Little did I know that this was the disease eating away at the outer layers of my brain and spinal cord.
At the time, I was coming home from my job at 3:30pm, going straight to bed by 4pm, getting _back_ up at 6am for my shower and a quick shave - then back off to work again.
The excessive-sleeping lasted for six months... then the other symptoms began occurring. Like my vision. It was getting awfully hard to read that sign out sheet, at the end of my shift. Eventually, by June of 2007, I was having to get other people to show me the line where I was supposed to sign my name. That was getting scary - very, very scary.
By July had come around, my vision difficulties were becoming paramount. And by the 3rd? I was almost completely blind. Went to my ophthalmologist, Dr. Furr, to which he said it might or might not be multiple sclerosis, and referred me to a neurologist - who happens to still be my neurologist, to this day, Dr. Pillai.
Dr. Pillai was able to diagnose me, almost immediately, the next day when my vision totally, completely went out. Got a spinal tap and an MRI with and without contrast dye, and was given the immediate diagnosis of MS.
I was just glad that I finally knew what the hell was wrong with my body. Very, very glad. Not scared - just - glad...
This is about the third time that my right hand has went out on me, in some sort of way. A few times when I have had flareups, in the past, I couldn't use my right hand - at all.
Now? I can use it, just not that well. I guess that's the reason why Dr. Pillai only ordered up three days of steroids for me, with this flareup. Just two more to go, with the second one this afternoon. Tomorrow is the last round of the stuff.
Many times, in the past, I have had at least six rounds of the Solumedrol. And there have been a few instances where I have only had three infusions - like this go-around.
I just really miss being able to do my music. Hugely. Totally. Music? Is my entire, entire life. Entirely.
I miss ripping riffs out & about with my electric guitar. I miss jamming with my 12-string acoustic. I miss even jamming with the mandolin - though the mandolin is easiest on my right hands, because you don't have to strum the strings as hard as you would on, say - a guitar.
My group, "Optic20" is now no more... I wound up getting into it with my lead guitarist last week... he was _hugely_ critical of me in the last two weeks, as I wasn't able to play rhythm guitar at our last two weekly gigs.
Plus, when he has been drinking? Turns into a _huge_ critical jerk. Hugely critical. Plus, since he has had to do the rhythm guitar parts, well - he really sucked at doing just that. He is a good guitarist, but he's not at a level that I can't get to, especially concerning lead guitar. I'm a decent lead guitarist, anyway, and I don't need him and his mean, drunk ass criticizing me - especially when I'm not able to play the rhythm guitar parts. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
On my own again - but that? Is O_K_A_Y... totally & completely. I can do it. I know it. I started out by myself, and I will finish out - by myself, again.
Cheers to everyone out there. Deuces & Peace Out...
-drew
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