I have come to the not-so-wonderful conclusion, just a few days ago of exactly why my ex-girlfriend is no longer my significant other...
Since I was with my ex, I have had problems with, um, how do I put this in a PG-13 term? - "performance" - when in the bedroom.
It's not something I am ashamed of. To put it bluntly, I have wondered if that reason for my "non-performance" had something to do with my having brain damage from MS, or if it was for a psychological reason, or what... I mean, if I am really into a woman - I don't believe that I would have any problems in that particular area. I can't really tell, as this is the first woman that I had been with, since I came down with this stupid disease.
For instance - I am 35 years old, and will be turning 36 in a few months. My ex is 46, and will turn 47 in December... now, that was an 11-year age difference. Sure, she was pretty. Not beautifully drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but she most definitely had her moments when it came to the "looks" department. On the other hand - I am NO underwear model that only has 2% body-fat, either... though I am, however, wearing a waist-size that I haven't worn since eighth grade - which is a 34 inch waist, 32 inch length in the legs, if it wasn't for the MS and the way that my brain looked? You would probably think of me as a decent-looking enough guy. Maybe. Getting on to it, I think that I am a decent looking guy. Decent enough. Though I don't think that I'm beautiful or anything like that, I am _no_ scrub. Not by any means a scrub... not at all.
There were times in this last relationship that I had some pretty annoying problems in getting my libido going - amongst other things. I don't know if it was because I knew I was with a woman who was closer to 50 years of age than myself (she referred to herself as my "cougar" - more than once...), or if it was because of stupid things like the way the perfume that she would wear (it was really, really a bad perfume - did not smell sexy - at ALL...), or the odor of her breath (sometimes it kind of smelled, "funky", if that word can describe some weird breath going on???) or the way that her voice always sounded so, mousy (???) whenever we talked or asked for me on the telephone after one of my buddies answered it, here at home - or what.
And - I have been with some beautiful women in my lifetime. She was pretty, but not beautiful. She also looked kind of frumpy-looking in some of her outfits that she would wear out in public - along with looking downright beautiful in others - so - all-in-all? She was a 6, maybe a 6.5 on the looks scale.
I consider myself a 7.5 or _maybe_ an 8 - depending on when I have the right threads on, or can smooth-talk a lady out of her shell of a front, just all depends. But then again - I am only labeling her, in regards to myself. In all reality? I am more likely to be a 6 - she's probably a 5... it all depends on who is doing the score tally, among a lot of other factors. I also think that how much money a man (or woman...) makes also adds to the said person's attractiveness, or unattractiveness - money is a definite, DEFinite game changer. Always. The car that a man is driving makes all the difference when it comes to a lot of women. I drive a 2008 Buick LaCrosse with only 42k miles on it, a nice, low-mileage car (I didn't drive for over four years. That, along with me living five minutes from everything, here in Memphis, like the University of Memphis, or my neurologist's office, Walgreens, etc keeps the mileage very low). My LaCrosse is a very nice car - it's no Cadillac, but it's nice enough - I am not sure if that same concept counts for the other way around... just not sure. I guess that I am more likely to be intimidated by a woman that drives some kickass, badass car and is at least a 7 - I guess. I don't know. Probably so very true, in my book.
I am looking forward to the day that I finish my degree, up at the U of M - I have been after _that_ since the fall of 1996, at the U of M, and changed around to different schools in different cities and states, along with many different majors, but always, always came back home to Memphis... my ex just finished _her_ degree at Memphis, this past May - she had been after that since the fall of 1996, as well. I just look forward to having that degree on my wall. Whether or not I get some high-paying job - doesn't matter to me. Though I don't make much on Social Security Disability, I do make enough to survive, as well as enough to buy my Bud Light Margaritas (that I _SO_ love to drink!!!), along with some of my other expenditures - I am still living in the same house that I have been in since I was only one... It's paid for, mine, and though it's NO mansion, has only two bedrooms, a small kitchen and a small bathroom - it's enough for THIS guy... I don't feel like I ever want to leave this house. I want to stay in this one "for the duration".
I am also looking forward to the time where I will finally, finally, meet my queen... I had thought that this last gal was my queen, and though she even told me that she was - well I now know that she was completely full of shit and is most certainly not - and that? Hey - that is okay. I'm just glad that she broke things off before it really, really really started getting super-serious. Glad that it's all over with and done, and now? It's alllll over. Wow... what a ride that was.
So with all of that being said, about my libido and my deficiencies and everything, well - it's all out there, now. All out there. And I could care less. Totally. I am not here to impress every woman on the planet with my looks, or lack thereof, or my money or housing situation - or lack thereof - none of that bullshit. The only people I care to impress would have to be my potential fans that I might have (or make...) in the music business. That's it. Everything else? Can go by the wayside. I could care less...
I have had another long day, as I got out in the front flowerbed and pulled weeds... I still need to mow. It's hot, here in Memphis, and I never, ever, EV_ER cut the lawn before 6pm. Never. Nope.
Hope everyone in the blogosphere is having a great day. Hope you enjoy reading some of this crap. Hey - it's out there, free to read and peruse at your own enjoyment, so - here's to you...
Deuces & Peace_OUT(!!!)
-ajb
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